I is the Ego

” I ”

A single alphabet which should always be capitalised when written alone, even though written in the middle of a sentence.

A one alphabet word which won’t ever let you surrender.

I am me.

I did this for you.

I like this

And I hate this

I will not ever talk to you.

I will be the best

This I in our lives is the ego. Our identity, created by our magnanimous minds. The false self which lives within each of us. Our persona, our talent, our abilities and this I and me lurk behind them and keep giving us the power to rule our own lives. If I could be stopped here, the world would have been a better place.

But I never stops there. I wants to rule the close family, friends, peer groups and so on. When this I takes on this negative trend.I becomes the ego, giving us the feelings of insecurity, anger, jealousy and so forth.

But can we do away with ego? No..If I don’t worth myself, I will be depressed, worthless.

So what do we do?

Have a balance of our positive and negative self. Let go of the feelings which cause unhappiness. Let our positive self-emerge from the false persona we live in. And where I becomes a trouble, let it be replaced by We.

DELETE

When God made the woman, he forgot to give them the delete button. They will remember each and every date, every conversation they had with their husband/In-laws, each and every occasion where she did not get her due, all the events when the husband made a mistake. This list is endless especially when the party involved is Husband. I do not know whether to sympathise with the husband or her?

 

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Source: http://www.shutterstock.com

 

Well, males have their brains conditioned and anything that is not important will not get registered in their brains. So, all this endless cribbing will lead you nowhere ladies!

Instead, focus on your own peace of mind. Well, like as kids when we wanted to learn something, we would keep revising it. Here, what we have to do is the reverse. Every time, we are reminded of such things/events which threaten our peace of mind, we have to consciously shift our focus and think about something else. In simple words, just stop thinking about it. Stop probing it. Sooner or later, it will be marked for Deleting.

 

 Climbing The Ladder of Success

via Daily Prompt: Climbing

” You never have time for us.”

“Couldn’t you spare one hour for his dance performance ?”  I could still hear my wife’s voice in my head.

“Dad! Why didn’t u come? All my friend’s fathers were there, clicking their photographs. Why couldn’t you come?” My son’s pleas were drowned in the bottle of whiskey.

How could I make them understand that the meeting had been really important? If I could negotiate this project, and get it in my kitty, I could be the next General Manager of the group.

“Why are you looking so sullen?” Ria walked in.

Her infectious smile made me forgot the scene that had happened at my home just an hour before. A little peck on my cheek, made me feel at the top of the world.

“Hey, that meeting was wonderful! The clients are happy and hopefully, if all goes well, the contract will be signed in by Monday morning.” Ria filled me in with more information.

“Oh, Ria! You are such a darling! You always take away my worries. Come give me a hug”

A few hours later, Ria and I were entwined in some hotel room, all worries of not being able to go for my son’s performance were long forgotten.

Monday morning, the contract was signed. Another great performance by me for my company. Ria and I celebrated.

My family would never understand what all I did for them? After all, who else enjoyed my hard earned money.

A few days later, a new GM joined some bigwig from IIMs with a great profile from a Hongkong based MNC.

I kept sulking in the corner. So much effort I had put in to get this company to this heights and now they brought in a New GM. Ria was busy catering to the new boss.

I went home early. My wife and son were waiting there still for me.

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Infedilty and Indian culture

Richa is a successful doctor in a big corporate hospital in New Delhi, India. She was married to Prateek, who was also a very successful doctor in another big corporate hospital of New Delhi, India. They had a love cum arranged marriage and lived in a joint family. Sakshi was their only child and they both loved and adored her. They had hectic schedules but they loved each other. A year before, Richa discovered that Prateek had an affair with a young nurse.

Neha is a successful doctor in a big private hospital in New Delhi. She was married to Mahesh, who worked in a multinational company and his work took him to United states often, at times even for months. They had a arranged marriage.They had two daughters who were their world. They too lived in a joint family. It was a happy family, till Neha bumped into Mahesh’s secret life.

Sheena is a succesful Doctor enterpreneur and runs a chain of Medical centres of New Delhi. Her husband works in the government sector at a high post. Like Neha, she had an arranged marriage and lives in a joint family. They have two kids and were a contended family till Sheena found about her husband’s endevaours.

“Infidelity, Cheating, Extramarital affairs” happen only in West or in the high society. The middle class has always been seen as the guards of much hyped Indian culture. And this was my belief till I came across a few instances like this.  So, I started my quest just for curiosity to know whether this is a recent trend? Is our society at crossroads? And what happens to the much hyped Indian Married couples who claim to be in rock solid marriage as compared to their western counterparts.

When the Ashley Madison- website for cheating spouses was hacked, about 2.75 lakh Indians were at the risk of being exposed. Indians are usually silent on this topic and if ever such things happen, they are generally kept hush-hush. Surprisingly, when I checked the web on this topic, there have been articles about Rising Infidelity in Indian women, but everyone is silent on Indian Male. In a cover story on the same topic In India Today (Secret and Lies) October 2007, 10 years back, Almost 31% men and 6% women admitted to having extramarital affairs. Infidelity is still rising and definitely, it’s males as well females who cheat. So why are media and society silent on Male infidelity and worried about Female.

Polygamy has always been looked as a crime for Common Indians, though the kings were allowed to keep as many wives. The only female in mythology, Draupadi who had five husbands has been looked up with scorn through generations.  So, is it that the trend is new? or this has always been a part of society but due to the silence concerning the topic, it has gone undiscussed as far as males were concerned since they were the breadwinners. But now, when females are indulging, society elders are disturbed. Or is it that though the technology has given avenues to cheat, it has also made it easier to be discovered. What’s app, facebook, Chatrooms, have given people private hideouts, but where a deed is done, the trail will always remain behind.

What has led to this increasing trend was another question on my mind. More women coming out of the homes to shoulder the responsibilities, Stressful lifestyles, with less time for families,  more females who marry at a later age but still having no qualms to seek a married man ( better established and rich)  for fun sake, could be the few reasons, I could think of.  Nuclear families have been mentioned as one reason in many writeups, but in the cases, I came across all were joint families. So, is it that Parents have no restrictions for their sons,  but a daughter in law is the honour of the family.

Hindu Marriage has always been a sacred institution and the vows taken were usually sufficient to bind people lifelong. This strength of Hindu marriage was always a feature of envy for all the cultures. With the rising trend in Infidelity, it may no longer remain so.

Whatever, the society bias be, Infidelity whether it be by the male or female spouse is like a monster in the sacred institution of marriage. Once a person is betrayed, the pain always remains. And for people who choose to stay back and mend their marriage, it takes a lot of deal of courage, compassion and adjustment to continue, especially for the betrayed spouse. Trust is like a glass, once broken, the crack always remains. Many people do overcome and form stronger bonds, but still for majority pain always remains behind. Even those who choose to walk out and form new bonds, remain suspicious and are never able to trust someone. The children who grow in broken marriages have lifelong issues of bonding and trust.

Let us stop being hypocrites. We still do not discuss sex outside bedrooms, are suspicious of sexual education provided to kids, yet as per Ashley Madison survey have no issues over extramarital affairs.The survey done revealed that 76% of Indian women and 61% of men don’t think that infidelity is a sin or immoral.( Infidelity not a sin ).

A true relationship is not just romance, candlelight dinners, sex and gifts. Let all those who want to get married be ready for a lot of hard work, compassion and togetherness.

 

* All the characters are fictitious. The stories are from true episodes in life, however, they bear no resemblance to me or the people I know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Investing in your married life.

tmptmpimgA few years back,  I always used to be that nagging wife, as my husband was always overworked. I would barely see him home as he was always so busy climbing up the ladders of success and hardly had anytime for me. I can’t comment on how it happens in an arranged marriage, but since we had a love marriage,  it would seem as a betrayal to me. I would wonder how a person can change so much.

Then, one fine day we were placed in the eye of the hurricane and which shook the foundations we had been trying to built, yet failed miserably at it. The good thing which came out was we realized where we were going wrong and we tried to build again from there.

We realized what matters is a clear communication and daily togetherness, however busy you might be. You don’t need n number of hours each day, it can be just as short as half an hour each day, where you can converse freely and openly.

Today, we try to balance our life and work and time for our kid as well as time for ourselves and eachother alike. He goes for Gym, i go for yoga. That is self time. Later we try to go for an evening walk, or a post dinner walk, depending on how our work schedules permit. We try to go grocery shopping together. Lately, we added running to our menu and now we go for runs together. At times when we are tired, we just sit with each other with our cell phones away. And all this has really brought happiness in our married life. We realized that Going out for a date once in awhile does not make us guilty conscience, it makes our kids a little independent and give us both much needed space.

Another thing we noticed was, as marriage grows older, people start taking each other for granted. This leads to stagnation and boredom. Like every other relation, this relation requires constant effort. Random ” I love you” Texts, complementing each other on looks, clothes or small acts of kindness go a long way in cementing the relation.

Being kind to each other, listening to other’s view point all these are few things which go a long way in making life and relationship healthier and much more beautiful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Day He spoke

Speak out

“If i speak what’s in my mind, people will judge me.” So continued his thoughts and she kept silencing himself.

It had been 100 days, he was in and out of the self imposed coma.

“What, if he tells his  parents, they will say it was all his fault! ”

“What, if he tells his friends, they will think, he had been stupid always!”

The thoughts kept popping in his mind and there was no outlet.

Soon, this will end! How long can this ordeal last.Surely, not life long !

That day he decided he would end this. He couldn’t bear  the pain anymore, so he ran, kept running long after the race was over. He ran till he fell in the middle of the playground.

Everyone thought exhaustion.

No one noticed why he had become so withdrawn?

Years passed, soon that pain was forgotten and hushed into the dark corners of memory.

Since last few weeks, he had been noticing a younger student of his withdrawn and lost.

He tried to befriend him and understand what was troubling him. The more he tried, more away he would push him.

Something was wrong somewhere. He felt like he was watching a mirror.

Slowly, he tried to encourage the boy and open up. He realised, like him he was being sexually assaulted by close family friend.

He could not let silence prevail now. This time he had to let the world know. He had to speak out. He encouraged the boy to reveal to the parents who immediately took steps to stop that person from harassing the young boy anymore. Also, they took him to psychologist who helped him deal with the trauma.

Sexual abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of gender. Sexual abuse in young boys is as common. However, it is much underreported due to the skewed concept of masculinity. Always be open with your kids, and be it boys or girls and let them know the difference between safe and unsafe touch.

Statistics indicate about 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys are victim of child sex abuse. (   https://victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/child-sexual-abuse-statistics )

Comments such as  “Males don’t cry. Males do not acknowledge pain” make it more likely for them to carry on with the suffering unheard”

So spread awareness and Help someone you can.

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Source : pinterest.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pleasure is a sin 

Last Friday, I and my 8 year old were having a conversation. He is a big foodie and has been putting on weight. I had always been on heavier side and I am fully aware of the nasty comments, so I don’t want him to end up with a bruised ego, so I constantly encourage him to exercise more, avoid sweets. But while conversing, I just had this idea everything which gives you pleasure is a sin.

Chocolates, sweets, coffee , pizzas, pastas.. infact anything which is yummier, tastier comes in the hit list. According to all the healthy diets we should be just eating boring salads, green tea, infact the awful the taste, on the top goes its nutrition.

This made me thinking what all do I add to the sinful pleasure.

Lazying around , sleeping too much. will be considered sinful .. but other than few workaholic who doesn’t want that.

Give me a choice, I would never work for the 48 hrs long work shift. All I would do is have a novel in hand, invent cooking and travel across the world.

Again, if you go on too many vacations, the older generation gives you a exasperated look as if you are doing the biggest crime in world.

Watching TV/ listening to music all are pounced upon by spiritual and religious heads as useless and sin.

Another pleasure Sex . is a taboo as far as Indian culture is considered. Infact, religious leaders all over the world shun it though it is the very basis of exsistence. ( We are not amoeba, who can just multiply  by binary fission)

The list is endless.

So if you want pleasure, be ready for the sin.

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