When God made the woman, he forgot to give them the delete button. They will remember each and every date, every conversation they had with their husband/In-laws, each and every occasion where she did not get her due, all the events when the husband made a mistake. This list is endless especially when the party involved is Husband. I do not know whether to sympathise with the husband or her?
Well, males have their brains conditioned and anything that is not important will not get registered in their brains. So, all this endless cribbing will lead you nowhere ladies!
Instead, focus on your own peace of mind. Well, like as kids when we wanted to learn something, we would keep revising it. Here, what we have to do is the reverse. Every time, we are reminded of such things/events which threaten our peace of mind, we have to consciously shift our focus and think about something else. In simple words, just stop thinking about it. Stop probing it. Sooner or later, it will be marked for Deleting.
Richa is a successful doctor in a big corporate hospital in New Delhi, India. She was married to Prateek, who was also a very successful doctor in another big corporate hospital of New Delhi, India. They had a love cum arranged marriage and lived in a joint family. Sakshi was their only child and they both loved and adored her. They had hectic schedules but they loved each other. A year before, Richa discovered that Prateek had an affair with a young nurse.
Neha is a successful doctor in a big private hospital in New Delhi. She was married to Mahesh, who worked in a multinational company and his work took him to United states often, at times even for months. They had a arranged marriage.They had two daughters who were their world. They too lived in a joint family. It was a happy family, till Neha bumped into Mahesh’s secret life.
Sheena is a succesful Doctor enterpreneur and runs a chain of Medical centres of New Delhi. Her husband works in the government sector at a high post. Like Neha, she had an arranged marriage and lives in a joint family. They have two kids and were a contended family till Sheena found about her husband’s endevaours.
“Infidelity, Cheating, Extramarital affairs” happen only in West or in the high society. The middle class has always been seen as the guards of much hyped Indian culture. And this was my belief till I came across a few instances like this. So, I started my quest just for curiosity to know whether this is a recent trend? Is our society at crossroads? And what happens to the much hyped Indian Married couples who claim to be in rock solid marriage as compared to their western counterparts.
When the Ashley Madison- website for cheating spouses was hacked, about 2.75 lakh Indians were at the risk of being exposed. Indians are usually silent on this topic and if ever such things happen, they are generally kept hush-hush. Surprisingly, when I checked the web on this topic, there have been articles about Rising Infidelity in Indian women, but everyone is silent on Indian Male. In a cover story on the same topic In India Today (Secret and Lies) October 2007, 10 years back, Almost 31% men and 6% women admitted to having extramarital affairs. Infidelity is still rising and definitely, it’s males as well females who cheat. So why are media and society silent on Male infidelity and worried about Female.
Polygamy has always been looked as a crime for Common Indians, though the kings were allowed to keep as many wives. The only female in mythology, Draupadi who had five husbands has been looked up with scorn through generations. So, is it that the trend is new? or this has always been a part of society but due to the silence concerning the topic, it has gone undiscussed as far as males were concerned since they were the breadwinners. But now, when females are indulging, society elders are disturbed. Or is it that though the technology has given avenues to cheat, it has also made it easier to be discovered. What’s app, facebook, Chatrooms, have given people private hideouts, but where a deed is done, the trail will always remain behind.
What has led to this increasing trend was another question on my mind. More women coming out of the homes to shoulder the responsibilities, Stressful lifestyles, with less time for families, more females who marry at a later age but still having no qualms to seek a married man ( better established and rich) for fun sake, could be the few reasons, I could think of. Nuclear families have been mentioned as one reason in many writeups, but in the cases, I came across all were joint families. So, is it that Parents have no restrictions for their sons, but a daughter in law is the honour of the family.
Hindu Marriage has always been a sacred institution and the vows taken were usually sufficient to bind people lifelong. This strength of Hindu marriage was always a feature of envy for all the cultures. With the rising trend in Infidelity, it may no longer remain so.
Whatever, the society bias be, Infidelity whether it be by the male or female spouse is like a monster in the sacred institution of marriage. Once a person is betrayed, the pain always remains. And for people who choose to stay back and mend their marriage, it takes a lot of deal of courage, compassion and adjustment to continue, especially for the betrayed spouse. Trust is like a glass, once broken, the crack always remains. Many people do overcome and form stronger bonds, but still for majority pain always remains behind. Even those who choose to walk out and form new bonds, remain suspicious and are never able to trust someone. The children who grow in broken marriages have lifelong issues of bonding and trust.
Let us stop being hypocrites. We still do not discuss sex outside bedrooms, are suspicious of sexual education provided to kids, yet as per Ashley Madison survey have no issues over extramarital affairs.The survey done revealed that 76% of Indian women and 61% of men don’t think that infidelity is a sin or immoral.( Infidelity not a sin ).
A true relationship is not just romance, candlelight dinners, sex and gifts. Let all those who want to get married be ready for a lot of hard work, compassion and togetherness.
* All the characters are fictitious. The stories are from true episodes in life, however, they bear no resemblance to me or the people I know.
A few years back, I always used to be that nagging wife, as my husband was always overworked. I would barely see him home as he was always so busy climbing up the ladders of success and hardly had anytime for me. I can’t comment on how it happens in an arranged marriage, but since we had a love marriage, it would seem as a betrayal to me. I would wonder how a person can change so much.
Then, one fine day we were placed in the eye of the hurricane and which shook the foundations we had been trying to built, yet failed miserably at it. The good thing which came out was we realized where we were going wrong and we tried to build again from there.
We realized what matters is a clear communication and daily togetherness, however busy you might be. You don’t need n number of hours each day, it can be just as short as half an hour each day, where you can converse freely and openly.
Today, we try to balance our life and work and time for our kid as well as time for ourselves and eachother alike. He goes for Gym, i go for yoga. That is self time. Later we try to go for an evening walk, or a post dinner walk, depending on how our work schedules permit. We try to go grocery shopping together. Lately, we added running to our menu and now we go for runs together. At times when we are tired, we just sit with each other with our cell phones away. And all this has really brought happiness in our married life. We realized that Going out for a date once in awhile does not make us guilty conscience, it makes our kids a little independent and give us both much needed space.
Another thing we noticed was, as marriage grows older, people start taking each other for granted. This leads to stagnation and boredom. Like every other relation, this relation requires constant effort. Random ” I love you” Texts, complementing each other on looks, clothes or small acts of kindness go a long way in cementing the relation.
Being kind to each other, listening to other’s view point all these are few things which go a long way in making life and relationship healthier and much more beautiful.
This was what I learnt all my life. If someone hurls you abuses, don’t reply back, just stay silent. If you don’t agree, don’t get into arguments, just keep silent. If you don’t like something, just keep it to yourself. For silence is golden.
All this seemed believable. Why get into unnecessary drama?
Till recently, I came across two real scenarios.
A picture perfect relation. The couple who never fight. A relationship you look upto. Made for each other types, who can understand each other, just by looking at one another. Never have any fights, no arguments. No one would say a thing, that would hurt each other. So much so that, they avoid any argument. Yet there are things which trobule either of them. So Both look for conversations outside the marriage. They love each other so much that they cannot not hurt one another.
A not so perfect couple. They fight over petty things. They too love each other, so much so that they can’t sleep till there are unresolved issues. Yet they will have an argument, they will fight and still be together. Yet their hearts are clear, no hidden feelings.
Which one would you like to have?
How is a relation without the deep meaningful conversations? Hollow, empty from within. You may talk about everything, yet if in a relation, you don’t talk to each other about your deepest fears, if you fail to sit and discuss with each other what you disagree on, there will be always gap in that relationship. You will look for validation not from within, not from spouse, but you will try to find a validation in the outside world. This can become a seed for extramarital affairs.
So, when something troubles you, go and speak up. It’s not the viewpoints which hurt, but sometimes the way or the tone in which they are said hurt people. So, find what troubles and try to put your argument in a different way.
But converse, and break your silence especially for the people who matter.
Not all love stories are tragic, nor do all have a happy ending. Love is in fact a roller coaster of emotions.Have you ever sat on that big roller coaster, which goes slowly up and then in a jiffy goes down, again slows up and again in a speed goes down. All you are thinking then is when will this ordeal end. Why did you go for it? Yet, when it comes to an end…you come out smiling and tell others, it was just “Wow”.
Love is like that. Knowing it is gonna be a tough ride, you embark on it, there are beautiful moments on the way..for some less…for some more…and then there are dangerous paths…but still you keep going…It’s not a road you can leave. But still you will say It’s just Wow.
As the title says Direct Dil Se, I am here to pour my heart to words. This is what all I feel, witness and have experienced as a mom and as a common person. I believe in spreading positivity through my words!!