Climbing The Ladder of Success

via Daily Prompt: Climbing

” You never have time for us.”

“Couldn’t you spare one hour for his dance performance ?”  I could still hear my wife’s voice in my head.

“Dad! Why didn’t u come? All my friend’s fathers were there, clicking their photographs. Why couldn’t you come?” My son’s pleas were drowned in the bottle of whiskey.

How could I make them understand that the meeting had been really important? If I could negotiate this project, and get it in my kitty, I could be the next General Manager of the group.

“Why are you looking so sullen?” Ria walked in.

Her infectious smile made me forgot the scene that had happened at my home just an hour before. A little peck on my cheek, made me feel at the top of the world.

“Hey, that meeting was wonderful! The clients are happy and hopefully, if all goes well, the contract will be signed in by Monday morning.” Ria filled me in with more information.

“Oh, Ria! You are such a darling! You always take away my worries. Come give me a hug”

A few hours later, Ria and I were entwined in some hotel room, all worries of not being able to go for my son’s performance were long forgotten.

Monday morning, the contract was signed. Another great performance by me for my company. Ria and I celebrated.

My family would never understand what all I did for them? After all, who else enjoyed my hard earned money.

A few days later, a new GM joined some bigwig from IIMs with a great profile from a Hongkong based MNC.

I kept sulking in the corner. So much effort I had put in to get this company to this heights and now they brought in a New GM. Ria was busy catering to the new boss.

I went home early. My wife and son were waiting there still for me.

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Musings of a wanderer – A journey to nowhere. 

How does it feel, waking up in the morning, getting dressed up for the day and going to the same moron place day in and day out? A place, which you don’t even like, yet you have to go? I know you will judge me as weak. May be I don’t have guts to change my life. I don’t have an answer for you, atleast not now.
Well, as I said every morning I would get up from the bed with heavy heart, finish my daily chores and get ready to go. I would walk down to the bus stop. This usually took me 5 to 10 minutes. Sometimes, I would be slow and signal would turn red before I could go. There would be other people on road as well, some running, some walking, some happy, some sad. There would be people on road, people on cars, all running to meet their deadlines. It was like everyone was running from something, or running for something. I could not decide what was my motivation.

Engrossed in my thoughts, I would take that crowded bus and head for destination. The bus would take me through crowded roads, tall buildings, and parks. Sometimes the bus would roll smoothly, sometimes get stuck in a traffic jam. The hurry to be in time, the hurry to punch in, the hurry would be palpable in each beat around.

At times, I felt the loneliness within me would engulf me. All these people, all the world around.. could do nothing to make me feel any other way. Like a cactus in the big vast desert, I was succulent enough to survive, yet thorny to have anyone near me. I could survive the harshness of world around. 

Days passed and the same routine followed. Me running from everything, yet coming back to the same circle daily. True, I was too scared to move on. Yet, too broken to stay back. But still I would continue hurting myself and call it destiny. 

Probably this was my destiny. Many people are scared of the darkness, of the nights.. I was scared of the day. Those long hours when I would be awake. Each hour would pinch me why I am still alive. Night was a solace. Night was peace.

Day ushered in the endless cycle of work, commitments and social obligations. Last one was what I dreaded most. How to fake that smile? Some skills can never be learnt and this was one I was so poor at. 

A few days more i reminded myself and continued in this struggle. 

I looked around and found everyone stuck in this new era of slavery .. job .. where the employer brought u and u sold yourself happily thinking someday you will earn so much that you will just rest in your life. But will that day really ever come. 

Life Now and Then 

I grew up in a small sleepy mountain town. The day would begin early and would end as soon as the sun would set. If someone was not home by 6:00 pm, it would be a alarming situation. Everyone in the town knew everyone else, and every news would spread like fire. 

The elders in the town had only one mission to compare who among the kids got highest in the boards, and who among them was selected in professional courses. Those who could finish their studies and go and settle in big cities were successful and others who couldn’t were considered mediocres.

Winters would be fun, with everyone sitting outside their homes in sun, and munching on peanuts. Life was such an easy go thing. 

All I had ever dreamt of was becoming a teacher in my local college, drive a car and come home before 5 each day. I had never known how to gossip, books were my only friends. I knew not how to make a cup of tea or roll a round chappati. Niether I knew how to fake a feeling. Life had been so simple then, no complicated feelings, no burden of expectations. 

Life is so complicated now,  day starts earlier than it was in my little town but ends later than 10. I remember my elders. telling me that an evening prayer meant thanking God for the day and that no one should be out after the evening prayer. But in this part of world, all this is superstition. People work all day and night to buy their dream homes where they just go to sleep. Having kids is just a social responsibility.. Coz no one has time to raise them .. Either maids or grandparents can raise them up. I can never reach home before 5. Neither can i drive my car, traffic jams and high speed make me mad. Only some days in a week she can I make a round chappati .. Rest of the days I just ignore. Even in winters there is no time for peanuts or sun.

Somedays I wish I can be nobody. That I can run back to my little town where I can bask in sunshine, enjoy those peanuts, where no one would judge me for my uneven rotis. Someday … Yes someday. 

But there are ties.. Are they actual or just in my mind .. A small town girl who cannot adjust to the big city life. 

Yes it is my own  indecision. I had wished a simple life and I am into a high end urban life.. Busy neighbours .. No real friends .. And performance in society is the only thing that matters.

Well all that is one face of the corporate life we all deal with. The other face of this life is our sweet families to whom we yearn to come back daily, for whom we keep burning ourselves so that they can sleep without any tensions.  

But is it really ok to go to those extremes. No, I feel. A balance is a must so that we do not burn out ourselves, give adequate time to ourselves the foremost and our family as well.

The steps I took to relieve myself were 

1. Develop a hobby and give it time. 

2. Spend sometime alone, atleast one hour in a week. 

3. Take a break. Go on vacation with your family where you are in limited touch with all the hotspots and Wifi. 

I am just back from one such vacation and completely refreshed to share my tips. 

Life is actually simple and it is our thoughts which complicate it. So, give yourself a break from whatever troubles you. And you will be back with a bang. 
Good bye till my next post ! 

Why I will never advise anyone to be a doctor mom again? 

It’s Saturday today, and unlike many other professions, I never get 5 days a week. Might seem as a trivial reason to many but ask a mom who isn’t supermom and who just keeps trying to balance her work and her home, this will come as a major jolt once u have kids who need as much time and understanding as any other job u handle.

Well jokes apart..Medicine today is a thankless field ..not the glorified version we grew up thinking.

Any doctor reading this won’t deny that medicine is an imperfect field. Though there may have been leaps and bounds in cancer treatment of a particular cancer , but still a common cold drives even specialised doctors crazy. Wait and watch.. But how can you when your child is running high grade fever…and your elders hound you with what kind of doctor you are? Can’t u treat your own kid?

Out of 168 hours, your child depending on his schedule will spend approx 70 hours sleeping, another 70 hrs in school and transportation. That leaves with a working mom, only 28 hours per week, to teach him values, morals, make him study, play with him. I don’t find this exciting enough. These 28 hours I might be on duty, in the kitchen, or might be juggling my other responsibilities as a homemaker.

The guilt of spending less time with your kid would let u indulge him in his favourite food, toys, books… In the nutshell overindulge him. And the guilt of spending less time with one kid might push you towards not having another. So, you land with one overindulgent spoilt brat. And anything to do with his behaviour, studies.. You and you will be solely responsible.

The stress of dealing with diseases, patients psychology and in the current era of corporates, the management with the answers to revenue you generate has made medicine lousiest of all professions. In today’s scenario, you are always worried about your job, what might land you in a lawsuit makes the prime years of life gloomy. To add it to the stress of parenting, being a daughter and a daughter in law .. Not to forget the husband.. Makes you ponder wasn’t it better all alone?

Am I a machine?

Every morning I wake up as my alarm goes tic -toc. I drag myself unwillingly from the bed, wishing for some more minutes of sleep. Then equally unheartedly I go in the kitchen to start that mundane race, start chopping onions mechanically with my eyes still closed. Later in the day, I think how come i didn’t cut my finger.
The race against time begins. I have to leave home in time. So that i can come back in time. And all the time I am wishing if i could spent a little more time with my little son here.
Then I reach my lab. Here another race begins. I have to finish the cases alloted and the number seems endless.Day in and day out , the log increases. Still, my mind is away wandering over issues i cant change. Somehow i finish my chores and reach home, when the sun has already set.
Those evenings are the best part of my day, but still everything is so mechanical. Prepare the dinner, Get Aadi do his study and wait for hubby to come home.
The night sets in bringing sleep again.
Another day wasted, and i keep wondering Am I a Machine?Every morning I wake up as my alarm goes tic -toc. I drag myself unwillingly from the bed, wishing for some more minutes of sleep. Then equally unheartedly I go in the kitchen to start that mundane race, start chopping onions mechanically with my eyes still closed. Later in the day, I think how come i didn’t cut my finger.
The race against time begins. I have to leave home in time. So that i can come back in time. And all the time I am wishing if i could spent a little more time with my little son here.
Then I reach my lab. Here another race begins. I have to finish the cases alloted and the number seems endless.Day in and day out , the log increases. Still, my mind is away wandering over issues i cant change. Somehow i finish my chores and reach home, when the sun has already set.
Those evenings are the best part of my day, but still everything is so mechanical. Prepare the dinner, Get Aadi do his study and wait for hubby to come home.
The night sets in bringing sleep again.
Another day wasted, and i keep wondering Am I a Machine?