I am my biggest critic!

These days I spend more time in the balcony of our new house. Even if I’m with my books medicine or leisure reading, I will take everything there and sit for hours. Sometimes it gets very windy and cold, yet that has not stopped me. I have permanently put a blanket so that I can wrap myself up. The other day I was reminiscing of old days when I had moved from Mumbai to Delhi after finishing my MD.

The career move was good for hubby, but not definitely for me. Shifting to a new place, its not easier to find job for yourself the way you have imagined. So, I hopped a lot of places and finally got into a place from where I completed senior residency. After completing that, I wanted to get into a government setup. Mainly because, only in government you have that support system in pathology..the so called department and hierarchy. Plus, the working hours are reasonable, and its a 5 and half day work week unlike private setups which bind you and slave you. Now, in India its not just your capability, but a lot of other factors like reservation, nepotism, connections etc and I was not able to get into any of the government setups. I gave a few interviews and being viva phobic I would just get tongue tied in interviews. As a result, I lost my self confidence. I started feeling I do not know anything. I have messed up my career etc etc.

Whenever I am not able to fare as expected, or I mess up like when I was not able to do the perfect balance which most supermoms are able to do, I am too hard on myself. Like this one time, I forgot to check my sons diary and send him in PE uniform even though the teacher had put a note saying he had to come in other uniform. The mistake was not entirely mine as he had also been personally instructed by teacher, but being the absent minded child he is, he just forgot to tell me. As a result, the teacher had to give him a spare uniform for that particular event. I felt bad about what kind of mom I was. Unlike other superwomen, its not been easier for me and I have always missed homework assignments, forgot to keep my child on track or my home has not been that tiptop. Or the other time when I eat healthy for days and exercise properly and then one night over drinks I overeat..thats when I start blaming myself and go back into cycle of overeating.

Am I a self critic? Yes, I am my biggest critic and at most times, this goes counterproductive. I go into that downwatd spiral every time I fail as per the society standards or my personal definition of success.

These days I’m trying to divert my mind whenever I think on those lines. I am not perfect. I’m trying to embrace my imperfections. I’m trying to accept myself the way I am. Self compassion, self love they say is the key. Its ok to make mistakes, and I’m good the way I am. Rather than feeling bad or depressed, I have to let go what my inner critic tells me and start having faith in myself.

Join Corinne Rodrigues Every Monday https://www.everydaygyaan.com/ for the Monday musings.

11 thoughts on “I am my biggest critic!

  1. I am so glad I read your post today. I tend to be my biggest critic too. Learning that it’s Ok to make mistakes, especially if you learn from them is one of the hardest lessons to learn. I think the pandemic makes self-confidence even harder to maintain.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, Ruchi, you aren’t alone ! I too am too critical about myself, especially when I can’t do stuff, like cook a particular recipe. I was feeling terrible these past eight months as I wasn’t able to find a job for myself!
    And, as far as supermoms are concerned, I am not a mother, but I really don’t think there are any supermoms. They just put up a show of being perfect moms on social media. You never know what goes on behind closed doors, do you?
    Chin up, girl, and give yourself a tight hug. None of us is perfect. We are all flawed, imperfect and incapable of doing so many things. But, that’s because we are humans and not super humans. We all make mistakes, and we all do great stuff, too. Just make a list of things that you have achieved, or accomplished, and see how good that will make you feel.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I remember being that way. I think you’ll get kinder to yourself as time goes by. Being anything but kind is wasted. If you can remember we’re connected and that means we need each other to survive. Deepak Chopra equated it to two standing bales of hay that are leading against each other. If you remove one, the other will fall.

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  4. We all are self critical I think. I know it’s difficult to embrace our flaws when we see others doing such wonderful jobs. But they are just choosing to show the nicer side, that we need to understand. You being aware of critical to yourself is the first step. I’m glad that you are choosing to be kind to yourself, Ruchi!

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  5. Self-criticism is something we all do from time to time. While, sometimes it is good to analyse our behaviours and actions but when it becomes a habit, it has deeper and damaging consequenses. I think, we need to accept ourselves, know our strengths and limitations and be kind to ourselves. I am glad you are doing just that, Ruchi!!

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  6. Loved your honest post and I can so relate to it, myself, given that I too am guilty of thinking that way, but I’ve made a conscious choice to let go and instead embrace the person that I’ve always been running away from acknowledging—me! Realising that we are our own worst critic is already half the battle won, Ruchi! Acceptance is the best way forward, dear and I know you are already taking the right steps in this direction.

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  7. I think it’s absolutely normal to be a self critic… most of us are, but it’s how you criticise yourself that matters most. If you can motivate yourself to do better, great. If it makes it harder to get anything done, then there’s a problem. What you’ve described is something a lot of us feel… I’m no super mom either and my daughter’s teachers know to email, WhatsApp and tell me things now!

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