These days I spend more time in the balcony of our new house. Even if I’m with my books medicine or leisure reading, I will take everything there and sit for hours. Sometimes it gets very windy and cold, yet that has not stopped me. I have permanently put a blanket so that I can wrap myself up. The other day I was reminiscing of old days when I had moved from Mumbai to Delhi after finishing my MD.
The career move was good for hubby, but not definitely for me. Shifting to a new place, its not easier to find job for yourself the way you have imagined. So, I hopped a lot of places and finally got into a place from where I completed senior residency. After completing that, I wanted to get into a government setup. Mainly because, only in government you have that support system in pathology..the so called department and hierarchy. Plus, the working hours are reasonable, and its a 5 and half day work week unlike private setups which bind you and slave you. Now, in India its not just your capability, but a lot of other factors like reservation, nepotism, connections etc and I was not able to get into any of the government setups. I gave a few interviews and being viva phobic I would just get tongue tied in interviews. As a result, I lost my self confidence. I started feeling I do not know anything. I have messed up my career etc etc.
Whenever I am not able to fare as expected, or I mess up like when I was not able to do the perfect balance which most supermoms are able to do, I am too hard on myself. Like this one time, I forgot to check my sons diary and send him in PE uniform even though the teacher had put a note saying he had to come in other uniform. The mistake was not entirely mine as he had also been personally instructed by teacher, but being the absent minded child he is, he just forgot to tell me. As a result, the teacher had to give him a spare uniform for that particular event. I felt bad about what kind of mom I was. Unlike other superwomen, its not been easier for me and I have always missed homework assignments, forgot to keep my child on track or my home has not been that tiptop. Or the other time when I eat healthy for days and exercise properly and then one night over drinks I overeat..thats when I start blaming myself and go back into cycle of overeating.
Am I a self critic? Yes, I am my biggest critic and at most times, this goes counterproductive. I go into that downwatd spiral every time I fail as per the society standards or my personal definition of success.
These days I’m trying to divert my mind whenever I think on those lines. I am not perfect. I’m trying to embrace my imperfections. I’m trying to accept myself the way I am. Self compassion, self love they say is the key. Its ok to make mistakes, and I’m good the way I am. Rather than feeling bad or depressed, I have to let go what my inner critic tells me and start having faith in myself.
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