The Vagabond

There’s been too much on my mind lately. When I started writing on my blog, I was too transparent with my feelings. However, when the blog would be shared on social media, I would be under scanner and interrogation by many including my parents and close friends.

As a result, I stopped sharing on FB. Infact, deleted FB account for quite sometime, and removed all my followers from the list. As a result, I lost lots of my readers.

Over the years, I know my best posts are where I have been true to self. So today I don’t mind sharing my feelings on my blogs. I don’t care about the reactions too. Infact, one of the best posts, I read recently was by a co-blogger Shilpa. What I liked about her post was honesty.

It is easy to write a fiction, and potray your feelings. It is difficult to accept your own feelings even to yourself and to do so publicly is much more difficult.

Yet, this is what we have been taught indirectly right from childhood.”To hide that at what we can be mocked.”

I have always been an introvert. However, I might try I can’t just sit and chit chat with anyone. I can’t mingle easily even in a party. Yet, I do have few friends with whom it clicked right from the first moment. That’s what soul mates are. Isn’t it?I prefer my solitude, and there is nothing I would like to change about it.

However, if put it other way, as per many I’m lonely and that perception has always let me be hard on myself.

If I look back, this habit of mine demands from me a total perfectionism, and I am not a perfectionist. This vicious circle makes me sad.

I am a practising pathologist, working full time, and on top of it, I try to manage my home, child, family single handedly. The stress gets too much at times spilling over at times in my mood.

So right from this moment, I will try “Self Acceptance.” Accepting myself the way I am.First step towards that is not getting overwhelmed looking around, and accepting my body image. I am overweight, with fat bulging at love handles and thighs. I know I have to exercise yet that is not possible always owing to busy schedule.

Starting from last month, I have tried going on brisk walk or run atleast 5 days a week. I do not want to try any crazy diets like keto, intermittent fasting and so on, because these should be firstly done under megical supervision and secondly have serious side effects. Weight lost on such diets is gained back. So I’ve to gain healthy habits and not fall into trap of rapid numbers. I have to control my sugar cravings and keep a portion control, that is it. I am running my 2nd half marathon in February, and I’m training for that. Being fit and active is going to be motto and not just a number on weighing scale.

Next step would be to stop doing everything myself and ask help where required. I have this nasty habit of doing everything on my own. Even at my workplace, being the head I know the responsibility is mine. So, if someone leaves the work, I’ll ensure I complete it.

The same happens at home front. My husband and son are laid back but I’ll try to do everything and then end up being stressed. I’ve to learn to chill and relax.

A few weeks back my husband recommended me this movie, Brittany runs a marathon. When I saw that movie, I realised that I actually had been doing the same. When faced with problems in life, I started pushing people away. This year, I will not shut people from my life.

The first step towards everything would be “Self Acceptance.
So, My W-O-T-Y 2020 is Self Acceptance.

Baby steps at a time !!!