“And they lived Happily ever after”
All the fairy tales, all Bollywood and Hollywood movies end when the hero marries his love interest, making us believe that marriage is all about the “the happily ever after.”
The truth is Marriages are ugly. Marriages are much more hardwork then the courtship. Marriage is actually realizing that the person you placed on the pedestal is human, will make mistakes, will have temper issues, will be eccentric at times, and yet you would choose the same person and love him like you did the 1st time.
I learnt my lesson hard way, but whatever I have learnt through the course of my marriage has made it stronger today than it was a few years early on.
One of the common mistakes we all make early on in the marriage, esp Indian culture, we stop listening to our spouse and we start listening to our respective parents. I don’t say that we should not listen. But the crux is that the families take a longer time, may be years to accept your spouse into the fold of family. So, till that acceptance comes, until they view you as one, as the husband and wife, not just our son and their daughter or vice versa, the spouse has to be supported and given the primary importance just as you did during the courtship.
The second mistake is that as life happens, when we start running after our careers, money, comforts, the first relation to be sacrificed at altar is the person with whom you dreamt your life with. The truth is marriage is not a destination. However busy you may get, you don’t have to stop making time for each other. Support each other and be there for each other. Medals, honours, applause die away too soon. The spouse will still standby if you lose them all.
Once the kids come in, usually males especially in our culture feel they are being ignored. Rather than feeling sidelined, they have to step in and grow as parent. I have seen marriages breaking up, because suddenly the child became the centre of existence, and husband felt as if swept of the rug.
Spend time with each other daily. It could be just a 15 minute before you doze off. Ask how each other’s day was? Listen to each other, even if at times it’s listening to the other vents. Be there when the other one needs you.
Learn to forgive each other quickly after arguments. Don’t carry the fights to sleep.
Choose each other each day, each moment, even after you have seen your spouse in the worst of moods, with faults which you did not realise before. Marriage is just falling in love with each other every day of your life.
Don’t let your marriage be a piece of paper or a diamond ring. Hold each other for the rest of your lives, cherish each other, give time, attention and commitment. Let it be the eternal vow.
Take time to go out with each other at least once in a fortnight, without children, without your extended family.
Value each other, give surprises, go on dates, get ready for those dates like you did in early days, explore common interests but do give time and space to explore other interests as well. Embrace your differences.
Marriage is like a pot, the more effort and time you give, more rewarding it will be. If you keep it empty, you will get emptiness only.
This post is written as a part of Write Tribe Festival of words 4th to 10th March, 2019.
#celebratewritetribe #writetribe #writebravely
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