It had been almost 6 months, since I had ran away. Life had started falling back to a routine.
I had made much progress, and no longer obsessed over what had passed. I would think about it sometimes, but would not let it depress me anymore.
The storm had passed and it did not break us. It had brought us closer. You realize other’s worth only when you lose them. We were lucky that we had got a second chance, and we had made the best out of it. Akash had filled my life with love and I would hardly feel a victim like before.
Something was missing still. One piece of jigsaw puzzle, I could not still fit in. I did not understand why I was still disillusioned with life in general.
I would go to work with a heavy heart. I would cry each Monday morning like a nursery kid who is being sent to school. No one would bully me at work, but still I did not feel satisfied. Work for me had become just a means to pay off my credit card bills. The 9 – 5 bondage felt like slavery to me. I was no longer interested in my career, but I was not ready to part away with my financial independence.
How does it feel, waking up in the morning, getting dressed up for the day and going to the same moron place day in and day out? A place, which you don’t even like, yet you have to go? May be I was weak. I didn’t have guts to change my life. I did not have an answer.
I would get up from the bed with heavy heart, finish my daily chores and get ready to go. While driving, I would see other people on road. There would be people on road, people on cars, all running to meet their deadlines. It was like everyone was running from something, or running for something. I could not decide what was my motivation.
I thought I was like a cactus in the big vast desert, I was succulent enough to survive, yet thorny to have anyone near me. I could survive the harshness of world around.
Days passed and the same routine followed. Me running from everything, yet coming back to the same circle daily. True, I was too scared to move on. Yet, too broken to stay back. But still I would continue hurting myself and call it destiny.
Probably this was my destiny. Many people are scared of the darkness, of the nights.. I was scared of the day. Those long hours when I would be awake. Each hour would pinch me why I am still alive. Night was a solace. Night was peace.
Day ushered in the endless cycle of work, commitments and social obligations. Last one was what I dreaded most. How to fake that smile? Some skills can never be learnt and this was one I was so poor at.
A few days more I reminded myself and continued in this struggle.
I looked around and found everyone stuck in this new era of slavery .. job .. where the employer brought u and u sold yourself happily thinking someday you will earn so much that you will just rest in your life. But will that day really ever come.
That morning, I reached office and decided I could do this no more. I submitted my resignation and surprisingly, a big weight was lifted off my heart.
I had never wanted to be in the profession I was in. Unfortunately, I grew up in the era where there were only two professions of repute, doctors or engineers. If you did not get selected for either, you were marked as a failure. You could try your hands at becoming a teacher or the countless others. Unfortunately, I had been a bright kid, and I never had to think of what to be. I had become what my parents wanted me to be, but right from the Day 1, I had known I didn’t want this for me.
I decided to enroll myself for studies again. I filled in my forms for university.
NOTE : I am participating in #AtoZChallenge2018 and this post is my entry for letter U.