It was easy to drown in negativity and blame everyone else for everything, but to stay positive was the biggest challenge.
There were times, when pangs of pain would surround me and try to drown me again, but I had decided, I would not let myself drown now.
Like any other marriage, our marriage had problems, which we could solve and had decided to solve.
It was not easy, especially when you had so much unwanted advise, from people who had never been in such situation telling you what to do.
“You should have kept an eye.”
“You never kept a tab on your husband’s activities.”
”It must have been her fault.”
“Once a cheater always a cheater.”
“You are an idiot in trusting him again.”
“Don’t invest in shared finances”
And so on ..
I don’t blame anyone, they were our well wishers, and had our interests in mind.
Either I trust him or I do not trust him. If I trust him it had to be complete. I stopped checking his mobile, his mails though I had a complete access to his and he to mine. We had joint investments earlier, and continued doing so.
I believed if he did err now, it would be his loss and not mine. So if he wanted me in his life, he had to be true to me for love, for us and not because of fear of getting caught.
I didn’t get the logic of trusting him with my heart and body, but not with my finances.
If I had to get my family back, we both had to unlearn everything and regain each other’s trust.
We both had to be transparent with each other regarding everything.
So I closed my ears to all the unwanted conversations.
I stopped discussing what happened with everyone, even with him.
There would still be triggers, but every time I had a trigger, I would try to divert myself and try one method I had learnt long back in the convent I studied.
“If someone has hurt you, whenever you think of them try to bless them, and say Please God Forgive them.” Over time, this helped release a lots of negative feelings.
I started doing Yoga and meditation and that helped me relax and clear my mind whenever I was in doubt.
It had been a month now and I felt we were in a right direction.
A few nights before I woke up with this strange dream. We are on a holiday, and lazying around the beach. Akash is holding me protecting me from the high waves. We are happy, laughing with each other and then I see someone. She comes close and snatches Akash from me. I wake up and I am scared for a long time I cannot sleep again.
I woke up Akash and he tried to calm me. He checked whether I have missed my antidepressants and reminds me to book my next session soon.
I kept thinking next day what it could have meant. May be my fears. I try to stay upbeat. I try to meditate but I cannot concentrate.
The dream keeps coming each night, and I do not understand what it means.
I am afraid, something bad is going to happen.
NOTE : I am participating in #AtoZChallenge2018 and this post is my entry for letter N.