I do not know where do I start from. I do not even know what to decide.
I do believe you and trust you. I know you will never do any such thing again. I have seen you change in last two years, and that’s what makes my decision more difficult.
If you would have decided to leave me for Sophie, I would have cried, called you names, lived with a purpose to hate you all my life.
But you never did such a thing, I do not know if it was your guilt, or if it was my breaking down, but you have been a doting husband ever since then.
Let me start with the night I had read those messages. That night I had felt, like you had stabbed me in my back. “Et tu Brutus” was what I would say. It was like you had sucked all oxygen out of the air, sucked all the light and plunged me into darkness. You were my best friend and even after this, I had no one to go to, no one on whose shoulder I could cry and I still came back to you whenever I wanted to cry.
Whatever it was, I still knew that I’m not going anywhere, this is my family, you me and Pihu and we would deal with it somehow.
You were understanding. You knew how I was struggling to finish even my daily chores, you slowly relieved me of many duties. You started sharing all my responsibilities.
I had difficulty remembering simple things, even Pihu’s little issues were like mountains to me. But you slowly took all that in your hands and cared for me. I know you do love me.
You have become the husband I always wanted. You have become a better version of the person I had loved. There is no doubt that I love you. Yes, I do love you and even if I got a chance to erase your past, I would not. You have become what you are now because of that one mistake. I am proud of who you are and who you have become. Not many people are able to come out of it and do what you did.
I have become something else because of that mistake. Even after knowing all this and accepting it, I have not been able to move on. I have become a person who’s stressed over everything.
Earlier, I would not even bother about anything and now even small issues bother me. For the past 1 and a half year, I have been trying to forget it.I would move 10 steps in positive direction, and then 20 back and this happens each day. The more I try, the more it clings to me.
It is like I have got stuck in that moment. My life has got stuck in year 2012 and I have not moved from there since then. If it was a movie or a fiction novel, I would have left you long ago, may be that same night. But life is not a reel, and we are not actors.
I always thought that when people destroy their marriage they are out of love. I never knew it happens to people who do love each other so much.We both have seen each other through good and the bad times, and we love each other still.
If I look back at the year gone by, I know it has brought us closer. If tomorrow one of us walks out, we both know that the other one will still stand and support lifelong.
The truth is I need to sort myself before I say anything or do anything, and that’s what I do not know how to do.
I want you to know that you are the only person I want to wake u each day with, you are the one with whom I want to celebrate every moment of joy, and you are the one I want to cry with. You are the best dad to our Pihu and I want to raise him with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I want all my bad memories erased.
Can you do that for me, Akash?
I love you and I always will.
Note: I am participating in #AtoZchallenge and this blog is my entry for letter L.