You came back, but still you are not with us.
Last night, I got a call from the Central Hospital! The cab you had taken home, met with an accident. On my way to hospital, I kept praying for you. When I reached hospital, I saw you unconscious. You had multiple bruises all over, and I could see a cast over your leg. You have been slept for last 10 hours, probably due to medication they give you for pain.
I want to hold you close and feel you, but all I can do is hold your hand, so that I do not wake you or cause any more pain.
Suddenly, I am feeling all alone. I am sorry, I read your journal, I mean your letters to yourself.
I am sorry, Neha for all what I have put you through.You know me better than anyone else in this whole world. You have been my support always. Yet, I have failed you.
Remember, I have been an idiot right from the time we met. I was totally smitten by you, from the day I had seen you. I would always keep delaying you so that I would get a little time more with you. Even then, I never was able to tell you my feelings, cause I felt that, if you said no, I would lose my best friend.
It was you who had made me commit. It was with your support that I could achieve academic excellence. I still remember the days after we had finished our post graduation. I wanted to go ahead with Fellowship, but the stipend offered was much less. You took the budget in your hand, and told me not to worry for next two years.
I know how much you wanted to go ahead with fellowship, but once you realized what were my dreams, you let your career take a backstage and supported me when everyone else did not approve of my decision. You always Inspired me to do better. Had you not been in my life, I would have never been the person I am.
All those extra attachments, I did take was because of my own inferiority, as you were earning more than me and I did want to make a quick money. But believe me, all that I wanted to enjoy with you and only you.
Once I finished my Fellowship, and got a 5 figure salary, you urged me to slow down. But I was on an auto pilot by then.I thought money is the only thing in this world that brings happiness. I need not tell you from where this concept in my mind came, because you know that already. You had come from a family, where relations were of utmost importance, and I grew up where, even money was supreme.
You would tell me to take it easy and I would get irritated, so I started avoiding you. When Pihu was small, and after I had become financially stable, you decided to work part-time. You wanted to give your best to Pihu, Neither me nor my family could understand your decision. We felt you were wasting your time.
You tried, and then you thought may be if you earn more, I would reduce my work hours and you started working full time in the hope that may be I will reduce my work hours. I never understood all this then, but after we came here, and I would spend more time with you and Pihu, I realized what I had missed.
Believe me Neha, Sophie was just an infatuation, lust you may say, but never love. I never felt with her, the way you made me feel. I never had any feelings, It was just the egoistic me, trying to justify my false pride, false ego, may be the power of position and money. I had been selfish and I did not want to face the reality. The reality was that I had pushed you away, and instead of trying to connect with you, I started searching for happiness outside.
I know that is the biggest mistake I did, but the thing is I can only regret it now, and try to correct what is left.
I cannot go back and erase it. Even after you came to know, you never left my side.
Remember, what you had said, that whether you live with me or not, I am the only person you have ever loved and you will love me till death.
I know I do not deserve you, a pure and honest soul like you. I love you, and believe me I have always loved you.
Please give me this last chance, Neha.
Note: I am participating in #AtoZchallenge and this blog is my entry for letter I.