Over the last year I had become an obsessed female. I would keep on checking his mails, his social media accounts. The moment he was in front of me, I would be calm. When he wouldn’t be around, my mind would be in overdrive, revising all those moments of past. All those moments of which I knew nothing, yet I had a story, a visualization in my mind.
I went down to the lowest in my Life. I had access to his passwords, computer, and whenever I was alone, I would be searching for something more.
I tried to hack her account. Can you imagine? A person who never even bothered to keep a tab on her husband’s activities changes so much that she tries to hack account of someone she does not know. Only when I came too close to paying up a fortune, I realized that even If I get some more information, I would not be able to justify my conscience.
Still I created fake accounts everywhere just to follow her. Even though, she might be trying to forget and move on, I tried to find why she had come in my happy life. May be Karma? But I refused to let it go.
I wanted to know what she had, what she did, what she thought, whatever that had caught my husband’s fancy, and he forgot all about us.
Now when I think about it, I can realize that I was just afraid. I lived in a perpetual fear of losing him. If I messaged him, I would keep checking my messages, till I received a reply.
If he went out of station even for work, I would be constantly worried.
He tried to tell me that if I had not meant anything to him, why would he keep trying even now? Why for all the reasons, he would have left his position, his job and his dream house and moved to a new place?
He had logic. But my fear did not let me accept that logic.
In all that process, I did not lose him. I lost myself. I lost my happiness. I aged a 100 years in a span of few months. Earlier, I would be that happy girl, who would not bother about anything, who would be the shoulder to all her friends. Now, I was a depressed girl who could not shoulder even herself and her family.
I did not want to continue that way. So, I ran away. I thought may be if I am away from him I would be happy. May be that would give me the gratification of having hurt him, a tit for tat. No longer would I see her in his face. No longer, I would live in the shadow of someone I did not know.
Nothing of that sort happened, but writing this out daily to myself, is slowly helping me let it go.
I had read somewhere, “If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, they are yours forever. If they don’t, then it was never meant to be.”
I had set him free long back, even before it had happened, by giving him his space, and my unquestioned commitment and trust. By coming back he proved his forever.
This time, I have set myself free. Free from the fears that were engulfing me alive day by day.
If we are meant to be, we will be together again watching this sunset from the top of Eiffel tower, and laughing at the days gone by.
What do you think, Neha? Are we meant to be?
Note: I am participating in #AtoZchallenge and this blog is my entry for letter F.