I wish I had the Confidence to say No when I felt so.

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Dear Neha,

The morning I woke up wondering what I had done, whether it was at all needed. My phone call last night gave away my location, and now he knows where to reach me. I promised him that I would call today again for our son’s sake. Yes, I have been missing him the most.

For the past year, I have been using him as the excuse for staying from where I wanted to run away. But hadn’t that been always right from the time I became mom, or even before that.

I wanted to wait a little more, enjoy my life a little more before taking the vows of marriage. But I never said so. Just did as was expected of me.

Again, I was not ready for motherhood, mentally as well as financially, but I bowed to the demands of society.

When Pihu was small, I was not confident enough to decide whether to pursue being a working mom or a full time mom. I didn’t want to leave him with anyone. But I never had the guts to say, let me take a break. Every time he would fall sick, I would be blamed, though I would spend only the evenings and the weekends. And in turn I would blame everyone else for not taking good care. Still, I never had the nerve to say that.

Every-time, there was a family tiff between my In laws and me, I expected my  Hubby to take a stand for me, and when he didn’t, I felt bad.

Later someone told me, you should stop cribbing about these tiffs, to your husband. I started doing that, but kept them in my heart.

I knew when he started being aloof. Yet, I never had the confidence to tell him that.

I knew something did not fit in, when he would spend more time outside home, but I never asked him.

When I knew what he had done, I lacked the courage to tell him that I was shattered and couldn’t even function.

There was so much I wanted to shout out, yet I never had that confidence.

And Today I am here, and though I do not regret this step, I still I Wish I had this confidence then.

Its, me and myself talking to each other now.

Only you could understand me.

Neha

Note: I am participating in #AtoZchallenge and this blog is my entry for letter C.

34 thoughts on “I wish I had the Confidence to say No when I felt so.

Add yours

  1. So well written. The if’s and the regret is so evident. Only if she had taken control a lot earlier. Only if she had voiced it all out. Reading the next right away.

    Like

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