The morning I woke up wondering what I had done, whether it was at all needed. My phone call last night gave away my location, and now he knows where to reach me. I promised him that I would call today again for our son’s sake. Yes, I have been missing him the most.
For the past year, I have been using him as the excuse for staying from where I wanted to run away. But hadn’t that been always right from the time I became mom, or even before that.
I wanted to wait a little more, enjoy my life a little more before taking the vows of marriage. But I never said so. Just did as was expected of me.
Again, I was not ready for motherhood, mentally as well as financially, but I bowed to the demands of society.
When Pihu was small, I was not confident enough to decide whether to pursue being a working mom or a full time mom. I didn’t want to leave him with anyone. But I never had the guts to say, let me take a break. Every time he would fall sick, I would be blamed, though I would spend only the evenings and the weekends. And in turn I would blame everyone else for not taking good care. Still, I never had the nerve to say that.
Every-time, there was a family tiff between my In laws and me, I expected my Hubby to take a stand for me, and when he didn’t, I felt bad.
Later someone told me, you should stop cribbing about these tiffs, to your husband. I started doing that, but kept them in my heart.
I knew when he started being aloof. Yet, I never had the confidence to tell him that.
I knew something did not fit in, when he would spend more time outside home, but I never asked him.
When I knew what he had done, I lacked the courage to tell him that I was shattered and couldn’t even function.
There was so much I wanted to shout out, yet I never had that confidence.
And Today I am here, and though I do not regret this step, I still I Wish I had this confidence then.
Its, me and myself talking to each other now.
Only you could understand me.
Note: I am participating in #AtoZchallenge and this blog is my entry for letter C.