I wish I had the Confidence to say No when I felt so.



Dear Neha,

The morning I woke up wondering what I had done, whether it was at all needed. My phone call last night gave away my location, and now he knows where to reach me. I promised him that I would call today again for our son’s sake. Yes, I have been missing him the most.

For the past year, I have been using him as the excuse for staying from where I wanted to run away. But hadn’t that been always right from the time I became mom, or even before that.

I wanted to wait a little more, enjoy my life a little more before taking the vows of marriage. But I never said so. Just did as was expected of me.

Again, I was not ready for motherhood, mentally as well as financially, but I bowed to the demands of society.

When Pihu was small, I was not confident enough to decide whether to pursue being a working mom or a full time mom. I didn’t want to leave him with anyone. But I never had the guts to say, let me take a break. Every time he would fall sick, I would be blamed, though I would spend only the evenings and the weekends. And in turn I would blame everyone else for not taking good care. Still, I never had the nerve to say that.

Every-time, there was a family tiff between my In laws and me, I expected my  Hubby to take a stand for me, and when he didn’t, I felt bad.

Later someone told me, you should stop cribbing about these tiffs, to your husband. I started doing that, but kept them in my heart.

I knew when he started being aloof. Yet, I never had the confidence to tell him that.

I knew something did not fit in, when he would spend more time outside home, but I never asked him.

When I knew what he had done, I lacked the courage to tell him that I was shattered and couldn’t even function.

There was so much I wanted to shout out, yet I never had that confidence.

And Today I am here, and though I do not regret this step, I still I Wish I had this confidence then.

Its, me and myself talking to each other now.

Only you could understand me.


Note: I am participating in #AtoZchallenge and this blog is my entry for letter C.

34 thoughts on “I wish I had the Confidence to say No when I felt so.

  1. Your post was a quick read and liked your writing style Ruchi. Visited your blog for the first time. Good Luck.


  2. So well written. The if’s and the regret is so evident. Only if she had taken control a lot earlier. Only if she had voiced it all out. Reading the next right away.


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