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Hey there! I slept like a log last night. I sat besides the River Seine long time. I was missing my husband and my child. And I wanted to run back to them. But then I remembered that conversation, and I cried like a baby.
I had never wanted to believe it. For months I prayed that God come down on earth and tell me that this was a big misunderstanding but yesterday night after that outburst of tears, I was calm.
I wanted to try, that if I got drunk, could I do what my husband did. So, I got drunk. But unlike him, I didn’t yearn for any other touch. His was the touch I yearned for still.
I walked slowly back to the hotel room. And I did what I shouldn’t have? I dialed the number which has always on my tips. I heard his voice, and I started to cry.
He understood it was me. He let me cry. In his sound was the same concern which has been throughout the last year, but he let me cry. He didn’t ask me to come home, but once again told me the same, “Don’t hurt yourself. Be happy with whatever decision you take.”
Hasn’t he been telling me the same. I know this is what confuses me. When he still loves me so much then why did he let all that happen.
He was as confused as me. He had never expected me to do this, but then I also never expected him to do what he did. He asked me if I was safe. I told him how much I missed him. I also told him how much I did hate that past of his.
I told him that I had tried to start anew, but how I had failed at it. That our old relationship had died when he had brought that other girl in. So I had tried to think of it as a new. But each time, I tried the memories kept flooding. I tried to forget all, how our relation had been when we had met. How we were the best friends, and how we drifted apart?
I tried to forget that first time. I tried to forget that first kiss we had shared. I tried to forget how warm his cold lips had felt against mine. I tried to forget how warm I had felt when he had held me closer to him. I tried to forget the perfume which had brought us more closer. I tried to forget how the sounds of our breaths had broken the silence around. I tried to forget the touch of his skin against mine. I tried to forget how my heart would flutter each time I would wait for him. I tried to forget how he had understood my silence and my tears. I tried to forget how I would yearn for his touch, his smile and his sparkling laughter. I tried to forget how he would keep waiting outside the hostel gate just to catch a glimpse of me. I tried to forget the cutting chai we would share.
I tried to forget how we both had stood strong when all had been against our union. I tried to forget our first home after marriage. I tried to forget how we both had saved and then turned our dreams into reality.
I could never forget how ecstatic he had been when I had announced that we had a life blooming inside me. I tried to forget those first few months, we both would sit and watch and be happy over our little bundle of joy.
I tried to forget how he had slowly got adjusted to his longer working hours. I tried to remember why I didn’t notice any change when he slowly started drifting apart. I tried to think why I never knew when for a year and a half I was not the center of him.
I tried to think how I could be that stupid wife, who never suspected her husband. I tried to think why I never questioned his frequent conferences. I tried to think how I could be so dumb. I tried to think where I had gone wrong and I didn’t have any answers.
Later, when I knew the story in bits and pieces, I tried to forget the day he had told he would not come home for night. I tried to forget the dates which I later found when he had spent nights with her. I tried to forget how we both had slept on same bed, after he came back from visiting her.
I tried to forget the day I had come to know. I tried to forget the conversations, I had heard from the recordings she had sent. I tried to forget how she would have sat in the places meant for me, in car, in restaurants, in hotel rooms and everywhere else, all the places which were supposed to be for me. I tried to forget all the conversations which should have been with me. I tried to forget all the time he had spent with her, while I kept waiting, the time idling away.
I tried to forget how she must have felt in the embrace which should have been for me. I tried to forget how she must have made him feel.
I tried to forget when he came back telling it was a mistake. I tried long. I tried everything. I could not forget the betrayal.
Understand me, Neha…I wanted to succeed.
I am a failure, Neha.
Note: I am participating in #AtoZchallenge and this blog is my entry for letter B.