I wish I had been less Adjusting

Dear Neha,

“Hey there! How are you feeling now?”

I am confused with what I have done. I could not myself let die a slow death. I had been miserable for months. I was not able to forget the past few years, and each day thinking about it, I died a little. I would cry in bathroom, I would cry in car. I would cry every time I thought about it.

Yet, I never had the guts to break their hearts, The hearts of the people whom I loved. Though it is a different story that they broke mine into million little pieces.

It’s been a week since I ran away from my family, from the people whom I loved and from the people who loved me.

My phone is switched off and I disappeared from the place which had once been mine. Was it mine ? Do I still think it as mine?

I had been thinking about this long, but being there where no one understood me was becoming more painful day by day.

I had always been the more Adjusting, more accommodating to their needs, their aspirations and everything about them. I forgot about me.

I wish I had been a little less adjusting. I wish I had let them adjust for my dreams, my wishes.

I wish I had asked him that day when he had called about not being able to come home. I believed what he said, never ever questioning anything.

I now know the truth, and I regret. I regret each moment, where I felt something was amiss, but you never tried to think it could have been otherwise.

I was just giving him space and he misused his freedom. Not my fault. I should stop punishing myself for what he did. Stop finding faults with myself, right now.

I had always wanted to come here. Paris, The city of love. I never wanted to come here alone. I had wanted a romantic 25th anniversary with that one person for whom I changed everything of me. But then I didn’t plan it. I am responsible for my actions. Not someone else.

So, Just get up, wear a big smile, the same which I would give him every time. For the last 24 hrs, I have not stepped out of this room.

I should go and Get a bottle of my favorite french wine and just forget what I left behind. They should be missing me. They should realize what I have been to them. But, may be they won’t even want to be with me after this.

I had always wanted to be able to go for that walk, or get a Spa. How much I always wanted to go for that meditation class, but never had the guts to ask him to curtail his time and come home early and share his part of responsibility.

“Just close your eyes, Neha and sit besides the river seine. Enjoy the calm and let it envelope you”.

You have done enough for everyone. Stand up now for yourself.

I close my eyes, like my inner self guides me and my mind wavers back to him. What would he be doing now. I think about my child whom I have left behind. I had told only him that his mummy would be gone. A few days, I had said. He had wanted to know where and I had lied. I did not want him to tell his dad. Though now, he would be confused with the scenario at home. I am worried about him.

Tears flow down my eyes, and suddenly I am flooded with that urge to call both of them.

Yours,

Neha

Note: I am participating in #AtoZchallenge and this blog is my entry for letter A.